After two weeks of romantic ups and downs, on August 19 Bachelor Nation finally got the answer to one of its biggest Bachelor in Paradise questions: Who will Hannah choose? Blake or Dylan? FYI, she went with Dylan.
Now, with the conclusion of one mystery comes the start of a an even bigger one: Why the hell do all the guys on Paradise wear sneakers on the beach???
Since season 6 of Paradise debuted, the images of pristine sand and gorgeous lapping waves have been marred by the atrocity that is Blake and company stomping across the delicate beach in their super-heavy-soled shoes.
But why the shoes 🤔 https://t.co/7fEkplviQo
— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) August 20, 2019
While there seems to have been an interspersing of sneakers and shoes throughout the previous five seasons, for some reason season 6 is taking it to an extreme. This epidemic was first brought to our attention by the former Mayor of Paradise, Jordan, when he called out new contestant Christian for wearing sneakers during his entrance to Paradise.
SCREAMING at Jordan saying that Christian is a big dingus for wearing athletic shoes and not espadrilles to paradise 😂 #bachelorinparadise
— headyn (@HeadynSmoth) August 14, 2019
While Jordan offered the alternative of espadrilles, we’d go further and say that shoeless is best.
Next, we saw a series of horror shots in which Blake wore shoes while walking along the beach and wooing Hannah on a daybed (surrounded by sand). Not to be outdone, later in the same episode we saw Christian follow suit, tromping across the sand with a shoeless Nicole.
It honestly makes no sense.
Have you ever tried to walk on sand in shoes? It’s *not* fun. Hey, Blake, maybe this is why you’re having a shitty time in Paradise. This decision is especially weird considering that the women on the show don’t subscribe to this atrocious way of life. A fact that is made glaringly obvious when the couples are pictured side by side.
And it’s a transgression that sees no bounds.
In this group shot, we have *multiple* shoes on the beach, barely obscured by the lovely BARE feet of the female contestants:
There are shoes on daybeds:
And during intense moments and mental breakdowns (#tbt from season 5):
It’s an epidemic, and it must be stopped. But why did it even start? Here are my best guesses.
The men are trying to look tall
Considering that, thus far, the season 6 men who have primarily subscribed to the sand-and-sneaker club are kind of trash (*cough* Blake and Christian *cough*), would we be surprised if they were keeping their shoes on for that extra vertical inch they provide? Those two are definitely overcompensating for something.
Watch out for the next season of Bachelor in Paradise, no longer sponsored by Stagecoach, as everyone would assume, but by elevator shoes.
FYI, guys: Wearings sneakers in the sand doesn’t make you look tall; it just makes you look kind of dumb.
They’re saving their feet from the crabs in Paradise
At this point, the crabs in Paradise have a bigger role than Chris Harrison. (They even have their own Twitter account.) Those little guys and gals keep popping up literally everywhere. To quote season 3 Paradise contestant Chad Johnson: “Why are there all these crabs everywhere? Fucking crabs!”
Fucking crabs is right. Could they and their little pincers be to blame for several BiP men not letting their little piggies out to market? Perhaps. But, considering how much other skin these dudes bare, their feet shouldn’t be their only concern….
Paradise is actually just filmed on a sound stage
Would we actually be surprised if this were true? What if, instead of sequestering these horny, intoxicated Bach Nation cast-offs on a sliver of beach in Mexico for three weeks, the Bachelor producers *actually* sequestered these horny, intoxicated cast-offs on a sound stage in the suburbs of Los Angeles for three weeks? You guys, the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced this whole thing is probably filmed in Burbank, California, beside The Ellen DeGeneres Show. As disappointing as that would be, a soundstage would explain why several men on the show continue to try to make sneakers and sand happen: There has to be some hard concrete under that thin layer of artificial sand! Definitely not great for the arches.
And as for those ocean waves? Fake! If Chanel can make it happen for Spring 2019, Chris Harrison can make it happen for Paradise!
Honestly, this looks exactly the same. Are we *sure* this isn’t actually Paradise? (Thank God these models knew to take their shoes off, at least.)
They just straight up have gross feet
This is probably the most plausible of all the theories. Feet are a divisive appendage for a lot of people; they can be both fetishized and loathed. Maybe these guys are long overdue for their monthly pedicure and sensitive about their toenail length. Maybe they have some intense foot hair, or maybe they need to seriously figure out their callus and rough-heel situation.
To which I say: Guys, sand is a natural exfoliant. You don’t even have to pay for a pedicure! Just rub your feet around in the sand and voila! You have feet as smooth as John Paul Jones’s chest.
Blake is the six-toed bandit
Hmm, it can’t be a coincidence that the main shoe culprit seems to be controversial Paradise guest Blake. Demi has already called out the Casanova for being suspect AF and mused that maybe he is the one who has been leaving the six-toed footprints on the beach. When she asked him to remove his shoes at the end of episode 3, Blake firmly denied. Seems like the move of a six-toed bandit to me.
— Valerie B. Scott (@valscott88) August 13, 2019
Or maybe they’re actually smart?
But there might be another answer, one that makes these guys look actually kind of hygienic. As Paradise season 3 contestant Evan Bass shared on Twitter, surprising to no one, maybe Paradise isn’t actually all that sanitary? Responding to Nick Viall’s tweet about Blake’s shoes, Evan said: “I didn’t wear shoes and got 2 different bacterial infections so can’t be mad about it.”
I didn’t wear shoes and got 2 different bacterial infections so can’t be mad about it
— Evan Bass (@ebassclinics) August 20, 2019
So maybe they’re actually on to something?
But more likely it’s the janky toes.