We start the Bachelor in Paradise finale off with Chris Harrison basically telling the couples they gotta figure out their shizz and decide whether they want to embark on Fantasy Suites together and possibly leave Paradise together, or leave Mexico single rn.
The girls start chatting about all the happy couples in Paradise and they ask Lacey what attracts her Daniel, to which she replies EVERYTHING. We literally have no words.
Lacey: I just love Daniel.
Daniel: Wanna see Fourth of July in my pants?
Moving on to Jack Stone; he’s like suuupes into Christen and even says he can see himself marrying her one day so he asks her on the overnight date.
Jack Stone: I really like you…do you wanna leave here hand in hand and see where it goes?
Christen: Wait…as a couple?
Jack Stone: Yes.
Christen: Uhhh I thought we were just friends?
Jack Stone leaves super pissed (as Daniel says he’s got his “killer Jack Stone swagger” on) and Christen wanders into the ocean as Wells narrates the end of her “young scallop” journey in his killer Australian/Scottish accent. SCALLOP FINGERS, OUT.
The next (non) couple to breakup is Jasmine and Tickle Monster, which duh.
Next up is Adam and Raven. Adam asks Taylor if he can “steal his fiancé” and his overconfidence literally makes us want to throw something at his face.
They decide to do the Fantasy Suite, which we already kinda figured they would.
And now it’s time for Dean, a.k.a. the most emotionally exhausting five mins of the episode. He steals D-Lo away (who BTW is totally thinking she’s going to leave here with Dean as her BF) and pretty much pulls the rug out from under her. He tells D-Lo that while she’s super awesome (or what he probs wanted to say: “just so f-cking hot” *eye roll*) he realized after Kristina left that he loves her and wants to leave Paradise to pursue things with her.
Dean: …so I think we should leave here separately.
D-Lo: Oh ok.
Dean: Sorry for being an idiot.
Us: Sorry isn’t good enough, Dean.
We went through a whirlwind of emotions when Dean told D-Lo he was in love with Kristina and we’ll go over them with you now since you more than likely experienced them too.
The 5 Emotional Stages of Finding out Dean Loves Kristina (starring Madelaine Petsch from Riverdale)
Stage 1: Shock
Stage 2: Pure rage
Stage 3: Evil satisfaction
Stage 4: Utter confusion/want-to-punch-this-idiot-in-the-face frustration
Stage 5: So done
After putting our emotions through the literal wringer, Dean starts legit bawling in his ITM about messing things up with Kristina, and we just have one question for Dean: You. Are. An. Idiot. OK that might not be a question but it had to be said.
Moving on to Diggy, who breaks up with Dominique to pursue a relationship with Jamie.
Diggy: I wanna leave Paradise with Jamie. I think she’ll be ecstatic and appreciate the news.
Jamie: Uhhh let’s just leave here as friends.
Next up is Robby and Amanda. Robby wants to leave Paradise as a couple, but she doesn’t see things working out in the real world and decides to break up with him instead. Guess that’s that, right? JK we all know they dated after Paradise.
Time for Fantasy Suites! To recap: the final three couples are Taylor and Derek, Raven and Adam and Lacey and Daniel. But TBH the only couple we *really* care about is Danielle M. and Wells.
During her date with Daniel, Lacey tells him she’s falling for him and asks if he wants to leave Paradise in a committed relationship and even change their Facebook relationship statuses. Whoa whoa FB statuses? SLOW DOWN GUYS.
Daniel proceeds to tell that Lacey he’s also falling for her and def wants to leave in a relationship.
Lacey in her ITM: I love Daniel, literally nothing could go wrong!
Fast-forward to Taylor and Derek’s date. Taylor basically tells Derek (in a much more poetic way) that she needs to sleep with him before she can say she loves him.
Actual footage of Derek after Taylor tells him they’re going to have sex:
K moving on to Raven and Adam’s date; even though she’s supes nervous to be vulnerable, Raven decides to accept the overnight date with Adam. No pressure or anything Adam, but this is was Raven looked like after her Fantasy Suite with Nick.
Skipping to the Bachelor in Paradise After Show now—because apparently that was the end of the episode (?)—we’re reunited with the cast and final couples, two months after leaving Paradise.
Oh and Corinne and DeMario are here too. Chris Harrison invites both of them to the stage to talk for the “first” time since the incident. DeMario says he hopes that one day they can connect without this cloud hanging over them and Corinne replies, “I think the cloud has cleared. It’s sunny now.” The two seem genuinely happy to see each other and we’re genuinely happy that ABC will hopefully stop dragging this out for ratings now.
Chris Harrison then calls on Jasmine and Christen, who clearly have not resolved things because apparently they’re still feuding on social media. Christen says Jasmine was being hurtful and Jasmine goes off saying she’s not a bully and Chris is just like, “Dear God can we move the eff on?” and invites Dean to the hot seat.
Chris Harrison to Dean:
Dean apologizes for hurting Kristina and D-Lo, and admits that he still has feelings for Kristina. He even had to unfollow her from social media because it would “affect him in some way” every time she would post something. Then, fighting back tears, Kristina says she’ll always have a love for Dean but it just got to that point where she had to say goodbye. OMG this is so sad.
Kristina hardly gets to finish her sentence, “there will always be a special spot in my heart for you, Dean” before D-Lo cuts her off to tell everyone Dean called her like an hour after leaving Mexico and they had a relationship that unfolded after Paradise.
THEN Kristina’s like “wait but we started talking again after Paradise.”
Dean: Yes, my indecisiveness carried on after Paradise.
Us: We’re literally not even surprised anymore.
Kristina: Enough is enough
Dean ends his time in the hot seat by apologizing to both Kristina and D-Lo but we just can’t forgive him because yes, it’s too late to say sorry.
Then Chris Harrison calls Amanda to the stage. She confirms the rumours that she and Robby started dating again after Paradise and that they’ve already broken up. She said she gave him like 20 like chances to be a decent BF after Paradise but he’s just not ready for a relationship. Oh and apparently he cheated on her.
So naturally Chris calls Robby to the hot seat to clear up the cheating rumors. He asks Robby point-blank if he was unfaithful to Amanda and he denies it.
One of the twins: So what happened in Colorado then?
Robby the Social Media Influencer: I was there on business.
Apparently there were pictures of Robby and a girl sent to Amanda but according to Robby the pictures were just of him being close to a girl, not being unfaithful.
Amanda finally chimes in: The picture looked like y’all were making out, let’s be honest.
Robby continues to deny deny deny and they leave the conversation agreeing they’re just not right together.
Now it’s time to look at Paradise’s final three couples. First, Chris Harrison talks to Lacey and Daniel about their overnight. Lacey tells everyone that after Daniel said he was falling for her, he told her he didn’t actually mean it. Lacey looks super hurt while telling the story and we’re feeling really bad for her. We found this one actually hard to watch so we’ll just sum it up with a quote from Lacey:
Lacey to Daniel: You’re 32 and you’ve done two of these shows. What do you think that means?
It’s safe to say these two are *not* together and as Lacey said, in the words of the great T-Swift, they are “never ever ever getting back together.”
Next up is Raven and Adam and they are so obviously together because Raven is basically sitting in his lap. They look like smitten kittens and it’s p. cute.
Chris Harrison to Raven and Adam: I want to say thank you because this is the first damn bit of good news I’ve heard all night
They say ILY to each other on stage and then Raven brings her parents out to meet Adam. Congrats to the happy couple!
OK moving on to Taylor and Derek. We already knew they were going to get engaged because this has been a season of spoilers but the proposal was still pretty damn cute and they seem super happy together.
And that’s a wrap on this overall stinker of a season (sorry but it’s true). Thanks for going through the Paradise motions with us, we wouldn’t have done it with anyone else!
Hit up City.com if you need to catch up on any episodes from the season (or if you just want to watch them again, we won’t judge) and we’ll see you back here in a few weeks for Bachelor Canada!