I know I spend the first paragraph of every Paradise recap dissing the show hard, but a show—or rather, a season—this bad deserves to be dissed. When I realized, about halfway through last night’s episode, that it was only to be an hour long, I literally cheered. That’s what you call overexposure.
The twins arrived last night and though their presence felt insanely contrived, I can’t criticize production for so obviously planting some of their favorite shit-disturbers in Paradise. It shows they knew they needed some shit disturbance. And even though I knew we were being spoon-fed pretend drama, it was a welcome reprieve from a whole lot of nothing. It was touching to see what a given it was across the board that Derek wouldn’t even entertain a date request from Hailey, just as it was entertaining to watch Dean squirm and ultimately make his one very good decision of the season. I could have done without the twins’ affinity for talking trash, however. For example, if you didn’t know a scallop wasn’t a vegetable, maybe you shouldn’t compare talking to another woman with talking to a wall. And whether or not it was meant sarcastically or coming from a place of extreme insecurity, there is simply no need to ever call other women “shallow, ugly whores,” whether or not they’re dating the men you’re interested in. (Andy, who is no prude, didn’t watch this episode with me, but when I later rewound to find this exact quote he was appropriately appalled: “Did they really just say what I think they said?”) This felt like the cherry on top of a season full of name calling and shit talking. Casually referring to Jack Stone as a “serial killer,” Christen as “scallop fingers,” and Taylor and D.Lo as “shallow, ugly whores”… I don’t know whether to shake my head at the contestants or production for obviously egging this on. What’s especially sad is it’s not drama. This isn’t funny or even mildly interesting. It’s merely depressing.
In my effort to end on a high note, I’ll focus one of the more feel-good folks of this season: Wells. I’ve felt for awhile now that Wells has been primed to be the next Bachelor and the last two nights have only supported that suspicion. When he was shown asking Kristina, “Why are you fighting for someone who’s not fighting for you?,” I was reminded of Nick from Season 3. He was that supportive, platonic friend for most of the season and the provider of hard-to-hear but necessary truths, exactly like Wells. Like Nick, Wells had a brief romance on the season but it doesn’t seem to go anywhere. Also like Nick, Wells’ funny commentaries and impressions have always been shown. Alas, just as my hopes have gotten high, Fleiss’ recent tweet debunks that theory. Back on the Peter bandwagon for me!
Watch Bachelor in Paradise Mondays AND Tuesdays at 8:00 p.m. EST on City. Then, head on over to FLARE.com/themorningafter every Tuesday and Wednesday for recaps from Sharleen Joynt, GIF recaps and more!