We start part two of this week’s episode off the morning after the Rose Ceremony and we miss Kristina already. *insert Lauren Conrad-style single mascara tear*
In case you need a refresher, Dominique was kind enough to give us a recap of all the couples in Paradise rn:
Amanda and Robby (a.k.a. Barbie and Ken)
Derek and Taylor (a.k.a the old married couple)
Lacey and Daniel (a.k.a the weird ones)
Raven and Adam (a.k.a. the couple we always forget about)
Jack Stone and Christen (whatever)
Dean and D-Lo (ugh)
And then there’s Dominique and Diggy.
Dominique: I’m having a really great time with Diggy, I don’t think there’s anyone who could come in and break that up.
Chris Harrison: Let’s bring in Jamie.
Jamie comes in all bubbly and confident and TBH we’re kind of obsessed with the vibe she’s bringing into Paradise. For anyone who forgets, Jamie came out on Nick’s season as being bisexual and she seems interested in either taking Diggy or Christen on a date. She ends up asking Diggy—well to be grammatically correct she didn’t ‘ask’ she straight-up said “I’m going to take Diggy” (get it, girl)—and Dominique is PISSED.
Wait, we’re confused did you not just go on a date with another dude like…YESTERDAY? You literally have zero grounds to be pissed at Diggy.
The date goes v. well and we’re actually super into Diggy and Jamie together. Their conversation comes really easy and it’s obvious that Diggy is totally diggin’ her (it’s just too easy). Dominique defs has cause for concern.
Meanwhile, back at the resort Dean and D-Lo are being all couple-y and we literally could *not* be more annoyed. Is it just us or does everyone else want to change the channel whenever they kiss?
Enter the twins:
Emily and Haley (to make things less confusing, Emily is in the pink dress and Haley is in the blue) blaze into Paradise, no effs given, and are, in their own words, just here to “f-ck shit up.”
They immediately whisk away their former castmate-turned-BFF Amanda to get the lay of the land and find out if the guys they want are coupled up—Emily is into Dean and Haley is into Derek.
Amanda: So p. much the only guys available are Jack Stone and Tickle Monster
Emily: There’s a bunch of weirdos here…
Then Amanda gets them all caught up on Scallop Fingers.
Amanda: Oh yeah and Christen is Scallop Fingers.
Emily: Ew, what even are scallops?
Haley: Scallops are vegetables
Also, the quote of the night goes to Emily:
Emily: “We’ve got a penguin, a serial killer, a Tickle Monster, a Deanie baby…it sounds like we’re on the Island of Misfit Toys.
Amanda tells them that Derek will defs say no to a date and Dean probs will too but Emily’s like, “don’t care asking him anyway.”
Haley decides to ask Jack Stone on the date even though she’s “never been that into serial killers” (lol) and Jack Stone accepts. He’s like, “Ya I’ve been talking to Christen but she has no problem with this.” Probs because up until last night she was in a legit love square.
Emily pulls Dean away to ask him on her date and if he say yes we’re actually gonna freak out.
Dean: I ended a relationship with Kristina to pursue a relationship with Danielle and me going on a date with Emily is doing a disservice to Kristina and Danielle.
Us: Yes, do the right thing Dean!
Also Dean: BUT at the same time, Emily is hot first and foremost and I’m absolutely not in a committed relationship with Danielle right now.
Us: Ugh classic f-ckboy.
Emily is straight-up forcing Dean to go on this date, thus making Dean (and us) feel soooo uncomfortable. He finally makes up his mind and says no but Emily “won’t take no for an answer.” So Amanda steps in and gives the WORST advice ever given in the history of friendship and is like, “Oh why don’t you just go talk to D-Lo about it?” That is a terrible idea, pls don’t do it Emily.
Amanda: I feel like if D-Lo says it’s fine…
Emily: Am I going to look psycho if I go talk to her?
Alas, Emily takes Amanda’s bad advice and asks D-Lo basically for her permission to take Dean on a date. D-Lo says it’s up to him, so Emily asks Dean AGAIN. Omg girl, just give it up.
Dean eventually says no and even though we’re pissed at him right now, we couldn’t help but feel kinda bad for how obviously awkward he felt.
Rejected by Dean, Emily is now forced to ask Tickle Monster on a date and is all, “if that [redacted] touches me…I will drop him.”
Also, we get that they’re feeling bitter about not getting the guys they wanted but calling these girls (that might we add they don’t even know) “shallow, ugly, whores” does *not* fly with us.
Meanwhile, Wells is alone at the bar narrating Christen’s time on Paradise as “the Lonely Scallop” in an Australian-turned-Scottish accent as if he was the voiceover in a nature show. And then it hits us: what are we going to do without Wells when Bachelor in Paradise is over!?
Moving on to Emily and Haley’s date, or lack thereof, Jack Stone decides literally two minutes before going on the date that he wants to stay at the resort to hang out with Christen. The twins are pissed, one of them screams “f-ck everybody here!!” and they leave Paradise—but not before throwing scallops at everyone. This has literally been the dumbest episode we’ve ever seen and the worst hour of our lives.
The episode ends with Chris Harrison showing up to tell everyone that it’s their last day in Paradise. And just like that, the episode is over we literally can’t even believe we just watched an hour of basically nothing. All we can do is hope and pray that next week will be better.
Watch Bachelor in Paradise Mondays AND Tuesdays at 8:00 p.m. EST on City. Then, head on over to FLARE.com/themorningafter every Tuesday and Wednesday for recaps from Sharleen Joynt, GIF recaps and more!