We start last night’s episode off with Robby telling a v. stupid Dean that Kristina saw him in the pool being intimate with D-Lo and was legit bawling her eyes out. And then Dean actually has the nerve to be like, “you couldn’t have taken her down to the beach or something?” But like…you should probs just be more aware of your surroundings when you’re being a f-ckboy, no?
Robby to Dean about macking on D-Lo in the pool: I mean, even I was confused
After realizing that he’s being the biggest d-bag like ever, Dean decides to talk to Kristina about what she saw the night before. She *finally* puts him in his place and pretty much breaks up with him right there and Dean just lets her walk away. Let’s hope this is *actually* the end because TBH we don’t know if we can watch Kristina chase after Dean anymore.
Meanwhile, everyone is getting day drunk in the pool (oh the magic of Paradise) and apparently Jasmine is macking on Jonathan now?
Also, Blake E. just showed up. *INSERT MAJOR EYE ROLL* Remember the dude who was sooo obsessed with Whaboom guy from Rachel’s season? Let’s jog your memory of their cringeworthy fight in the Bachelor Mansion driveway.
Blake: Wuddup Lucas. Just wanted to say you’re a piece of shit, you’re a wannabe comedian and if you weren’t here I would’ve had a real shot with Rachel. *Puts arm on Lucas’s shoulder for an inappropriate amount of time*
Lucas: It’s not about winning brother. It’s about the world and you have no idea what that means.
Blake: You’re the Whaboom clown, I’m the nice gentleman.
Lucas: OH OH OH WHA WHA WHA. Just get back to your protein shakes and steroids.
Blake: WHAKA WHAKA FART FART.
Anyway, Blake enters Paradise insisting that he’s over the whole Whaboom thing and swears that he doesn’t want to talk about him. But still he manages to—can you guess?—bring Lucas up in literally every conversation he has. Like come on dude, at least try and give yourself a fighting chance.
He asks Kristina out on his date (lol) which she turns down immeds.
And then Fred—the ‘bad boy’ from Rachel’s camp counselling days—shows up like five mins after Blake’s entrance, and Blake’s all butthurt because Freddy steals his thunder. They find out they’re going on a double date and after Fred’s first choice—Dominique—says “yes” to him (ouch, Diggy), Blake moves on to Christen; who, by saying “yes,” has now turned her love triangle into a love square.
Actual footage of us trying to keep up with Christen’s relationships:
Blake to Christen: Out of all the people I talked to today, [our conversation] felt the least like pulling teeth. You seemed down to earth and awake.
Probably Blake on the inside: I’m really just picking you because Kristina said no.
And us: Wait, back up. What does “you seemed awake” even mean?
While they go on their sure-to-be-horrible date (we’re positive nothing good can come from going out with Blake E.) the rest of the girls are determined to find out if Jack Stone is a bad kisser or not—because according Christen he sucks. First Jasmine kisses him and confirms that he is actually a great kisser, then D-Lo kisses him, then Raven, then D-Lo again. And then Jasmine again. And we’re just sitting here like…
Is this Bachelor in Paradise or seven minutes in heaven at a 12-year-old’s birthday party?
And while Jack Stone lives his best life, poor Christen is having the literal worst time on her date—she’s lost her mascara, eyelashes and contacts all in the span of like an hour, plus she’s been sea sick. But Dominique? Girl is having the time of her life.
Then, good ol’ Chris Harrison walks in to announce Rose Ceremony has been moved to tonight and we are friggin’ thrilled because that means we’re actually getting a Rose Ceremony at the end of a episode for once!
Robby and Amanda also get their first 1-on-1 date away from the resort and they’re actually v. cute together. We’re officially here for the Ken and Barbie of Paradise. (Sorry, we *had* to…)
Cocktail Party time! And this one’s a doozy so don’t go anywhere just yet.
First, Ben Z. decides to cut his losses and go home to his one true love—his dog, Zeus. Actual footage of Ben Z. leaving Paradise and returning home:
Over at the bar with our man Wells, Raven—who is seemingly p. drunk—takes a shot with Christen and says “Cheers, Scallop” and Christen’s just like “wait what?” Then Wells (god bless him) proceeds to tell Christen the origin of her nickname.
P.S. Raven is a like the perfect shade of tan rn.
Anyway, Blake decides to try and use this whole scallop thing to win Christen’s heart rose and brings her a plate of the greasiest scallops we’ve ever seen. TBH, watching Christen slo-mo eat greasy scallops made us legit feel sick to our stomachs and we’re officially turned off of them forever.
Blake starts making out with Christen (scallop breath and all), only to be interrupted MID-MAKEOUT by the Tickle Monster. Tickle Monster and Christen start macking until they’re interrupted by Jack Stone and then JACK STONE AND CHRISTEN START MAKING OUT. And the whole time we’re just watching like…
Serious question: does Christen actually like any of these guys, or does she just like the attention? Something to think about.
Moving on to the Dean situation (ugh), he *finally* makes a freaking decision and tells D-Lo he wants to explore his relationship with her. And even though it’s obviously the wrong decision, we’ll take it because we just need this hellish love triangle to be over.
Dean tells Kristina that he wants to pursue his relationship with D-Lo and she’s basically just like, “you’re choosing a girl who was just making out with Jack Stone earlier today over me?”
Kristina walks away suuupes pissed—as she should be—and goes to find comfort in her friend Raven, but unfortch gets the exact opposite. We’ll admit that Raven was totally right in telling Kristina she shouldn’t blame the other woman (in this case D-Lo) and should focus her blame on Dean because he’s the one jerking around two girls—we’ll defs preach to that. BUT with that being said, while it is important to be honest with your friends and tell them like it is (even when they don’t want to hear it) it’s also important to know when to just listen. That’s what Kristina needed in that moment and Raven did *not* give it to her. Sorry, rant over.
Lucky for Kristina, Wells took over for Raven as the role of supportive friend and gave her the best insight anyone has given Kristina all season.
Wells: Why are you fighting for someone who’s not fighting for you?
Also us: Ummm, how can we hire Wells as our personal bartender/friend/therapist?
Time for Rose Ceremony! Lacey gives her rose to Daniel, and Taylor gives her rose to Derek (duh, they’re engaged). Amanda gives hers to Ken Robby, and Dominique—who’s choosing between Diggy and Fred—gives her rose to Diggy. Jasmine gives hers to Tickle Monster and literally says “hopefully I can tickle your pickle soon” in front of everyone. OK Jas.
Christen, a.k.a. the most sought after girl in Paradise, gives her rose to Jack Stone (BUH BYE Blake) and then Kristina does something we honestly wish she had done last week and excuses herself from Paradise and from Dean’s shitty games.
Dominique: Kristina deserves a guy who actually gives a f-ck about her.
Dean obviously goes running after Kristina and asks to walk her out.
Dean: I hate myself.
Chris Harrison calls D-Lo’s name and she gives her rose to Dean. She’s like “I came into Rose Ceremony needing some definitive answers…and now I know he’s 100 percent invested in me,” but COME ON we all know that if Kristina didn’t take herself out of the running he’d still be going back and forth.
And we’ll leave you with Dean’s most recent Instagram. Just because it really ticked us off.
See you back here tomorrow for the return of the twins!!
Watch Bachelor in Paradise Mondays AND Tuesdays at 8:00 p.m. EST on City. Then, head on over to FLARE.com/themorningafter every Tuesday and Wednesday for recaps from Sharleen Joynt, GIF recaps and more!