We start this episode off on the tail-end of Daniel the Canadian’s arrival. Lacey literally jumps in his arms and says, “My man has finally arrived! Daniel’s the full package…he’s witty, he’s smart.” And most likely every single person watching was like:
Lacey steals Daniel away immediately and their conversation is the most unfortunate thing we’ve ever heard.
Lacey: I’ve been waiting for you.
Daniel: That’s kind of creepy…so I’m left with the scraps?
Also Daniel: Anyway so what do you think of this weather?
Daniel also steals Christen away to talk but mostly because “it’s always nice to date a virgin to get some experience instead of STDs” and ends up telling her she can “play with his balls.” Literally every time Daniel opens his mouth we want to throw up.
Time for Rose Ceremony! Daniel goes first and gives his rose to Lacey, making her wildest dreams come true. Jack Stone gives Christen his rose and then Matt randomly shows up just to give his rose out so it doesn’t go to waste, but to be clear he’s still leaving. He obviously gives it to Jasmine (it would’ve been kind of funny if he *didn’t* though) and she’s just suuuper sassy about the entire thing but we honestly don’t blame her.
Derek gives his rose to Taylor (obv) and Robby gives his to Amanda (double obv). Diggy gives his to Dominique, and Adam—who’s choosing between Sarah and Raven—gives his rose to Raven. Ouch, sucks to be Sarah.
Also, you can see Alexis subtly crying in the background because she knows she’s going home and we can’t help but cry too. Jack Stone, you asshole how could you screw Alexis over for Christen? And more importantly, how could you do this to us!?
Next up is Dean and the producers kind of make it seem like he’s going to pick D-Lo. But nope, he gives his rose to Kristina which obviously makes us happy but we also just want this v. painful love triangle to end.
At this point it seems like D-Lo is probs going home and we’re feeling major relief because now Dean and Kristina can just be together. But JK, Ben Z offers D-Lo his rose and she’s like, “I wouldn’t have said yes to anyone else.” Ummmm, what? You literally ONLY wanted to say yes to Dean…
The next morning, Daniel gets bombarded by some random Mexican wrestlers and receives his first Date Card. Lacey’s sure he’s going to ask her on the date but he’s like, “I kind of already of know you so…” and then goes to talk to Jasmine and Christen.
Daniel to Christen: Have you ever had Canadian bacon? *talking about his dick*
Christen: Yeah, it’s good. *talking about actual bacon*
Daniel: I thought you were a virgin?
Daniel then goes to talk to Kristina, who he OBVIOUSLY has a crush on (or to put in his exact words “you can’t just be friends with Kristina you’re gonna want to sleep with her”). And he’s actually debating between asking Kristina and Lacey on his date AS IF Kristina would even say yes.
But in the end, he asks Lacey—who has gone from happy to sad and back to happy too many times to count tonight.
Then the “Tickle Monster” shows up and we immediately roll our eyes. “I got my summer tickling hands ready” is most cringe-worthy thing we’ve ever heard on this show.
But for reasons we do not understand all the girls are into him.
Mr. Tickle Monster immediately starts talking to Christen because if he could create an “emoji wife” it would be Christen (his words not ours) and after like five mins they’re already making out.
Oh and he asks her on his date and Jack Stone is PIIISSSEDDD.
Meanwhile, Daniel and Lacey go on their date and it’s an actual wrestling match. Lacey *would* get the worst date in Paradise, poor girl.
Back at the resort Dean is talking to Diggy about his love triangle.
Dean: Kristina is just so perceptive and smart and an interesting person.
Also Dean: But D-Lo is just so f-cking hot.
Kristina decides to talk to Dean about their relationship because duh, he’s being the worst ever to her, and he asks her to be patient with him while he figures out his feelings—a.k.a. “be patient while I hookup with D-Lo, sow my wild oats, and am ready to settle down with you.” We’re done.
Christen and Tickle Monster go on their date and are literally feeding each other scallops. What is with this girl’s obsession with scallops? And after hearing them talk…don’t judge us…we feel like Tickle Monster could maybe do better?
Back at the resort, Lacey and Daniel are really hitting it off but then Jasmine comes in and interrupts them—mid-makeout; not cool, girl—to steal Daniel away. Lacey’s sooooo pissed and actually says the words, “If anyone takes Daniel I will cut them.”
Then Christen and Tickle Monster get back from their date and Christen says her rose is defs going to him until Jack Stone pulls her aside, and all it takes is a quick kiss from Jack (which she did in front of Tickle Monster, rude) for Christen to be like “hmm not sure who my rose is going to now.”
Meanwhile, Dean is all over D-Lo right in front of Kristina. UGH. Kristina tells Robby that she and Dean spent the night together after Rose Ceremony “and you can assume what happened” and now this is what she has to see. Wow. Dean is really having his cake (Kristina) and eating it too (D-Lo) and we are NOT HERE FOR IT.
Also, Dean tells D-Lo that she’s someone he could fall in love with and we honestly just can’t with him anymore.
Kristina tells Robby she’s done with Dean and we srsly hope she is because she deserves better.
And that’s a wrap. Hopefully next week brings us feelings of love instead of hate because this week was ROUGH. See you then!
Watch Bachelor in Paradise Mondays AND Tuesdays at 8:00 p.m. EST on City. Then, head on over to FLARE.com/themorningafter every Tuesday and Wednesday for recaps from Sharleen Joynt, GIF recaps and more!