We start part one of this week’s episode off with Alexis shoving things into a blindfolded Jack Stone’s mouth; he’ll win a massage if he guesses at least three things right. Seems legit.
It’s all fun and games until she tries to put a dead, stinky crab in his mouth and Jack Stone starts freaking out like he’s a 12-year-old boy.
Jack Stone: You took it too far, Alexis. You’re not getting my rose anymore.
Side note: Someone give Alexis her own talk show immediately.
Moving on to Wells (a.k.a . our new fave person) who’s narrating Jasmine and Matt’s relationship and not only is it hilarious, it’s also so. freaking. true.
Wells: Matt doesn’t seem like he’s super into Jasmine but Jasmine’s like I’m not hearing anything you’re saying because I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO STRANGLE THE LIFE OUT OF YOU.
Also Wells: You don’t know whether she’s going to give you a present or murder you in your sleep.
Jasmine is so positive that her and Matt are solid and that no matter who else comes to Paradise, they’ll definitely stay together. Enter Christen. She walks in all, “You might remember me as the virgin.” But TBH, all we remember her for is being wrapped up in Liz’s ‘I swear I slept with Nick Viall’ dramz and getting sent home in like week 2.
The girls give Christen the low-down on who’s coupled up and Jasmine tells her to stay away from her man. Oh and Jasmine also crowned herself the Queen of Paradise, so that happened.
To no one’s surprise, Christen goes behind Jasmine’s back and asks Matt out on her date. Matt hesitantly says yes (probs because he’s picturing what Jasmine will do to him) and shizz proceeds to hit the fan. If we were in Paradise right now, we’d be hiding for cover.
Matt to Jasmine: So you’re OK if I go on this date?
Jasmine: Like I’m not going to get mad. *twitches with anger*
Fuming with rage, The Queen of Paradise barges in on Christen, who’s innocently brushing her teeth, and the entire time Jasmine is yelling at her all we’re thinking is, Why hasn’t this girl spit out her toothpaste yet?
The conversation ends with Christen in tears and Jasmine calling her “slimy” over and over and over again. (Earth to Jasmine: stop trying to make “slimy” happen.)
While Matt and Christen go on their date, Alexis tells everyone the story of Christen Scallop Fingers, but you should probably just watch Wells’s reenactment of it because it’s way better than ours.
Matt and Christen get back from their date and have the most awkward kiss ever before walking down to the beach. Christen kept her eyes closed for a solid 30 seconds after Matt kissed her and it was really weird.
When Jasmine sees Matt, she just starts jumping all over him and trying to make out with him, and it was supes uncomfortable to watch.
Meanwhile, Christen—who’s manhandling some shrimp and looking preeettyy wasted—walks over to Amanda and Sarah and starts legit fangirling over Amanda and we’re not really sure why…
The shrimp in her hands def isn’t helping the whole ‘Scallop Fingers’ thing, but Amanda and Sarah literally laughing in her face is so not OK and crosses over into Mean Girls territory.
Pretty much Sarah and Amanda to Christen just now:
Then Wells makes the entire episode something worth watching when he uses a puppet to sum up Christen in Paradise. Have we mentioned Wells is our fave human being?
Wells being Christen, ft. puppet: New boobs, still a virgin but that’s all going to change with Matt. Me asking him out on a date is going to have zero negative consequences, no crazy girl named Jasmine is going to come and rip my hair off.
Us: K, officially here for Wells Bachelor 2018. (Unless he marries Danielle M immediately post-Paradise, AS HE SHOULD.)
After Amanda’s mean-girl moment, Robby pulls her away to finally try and kiss her but she rejects him yet again. Amanda clearly isn’t into him because she was sucking face with Josh like 15 minutes after meeting him.
Also, Dean is telling Kristina that he wants D-Lo to stick around WHILE cuddling her and we just want to punch him. Hey Dean:
Moving on to Derek and Taylor—a.k.a our ONLY solid couple in Paradise—who are having problems because Derek said “f-ck you” to Taylor, so basically we have no hope for this show anymore.
Cocktail Party time!! Sarah and Raven both want Adam’s rose and it’s preeetty obvious he’s going to give it to Raven even though Sarah is trying super hard to change his mind.
Lacey pulls Diggy aside to confront him about going on the date with Dominique. She gets super pissed and it’s almost like she doesn’t already know Diggy’s rose is obv going to Dom? Diggy finally spits his words out and we’re shocked that she’s shocked?
Meanwhile we have to watch as Dean continues to mess with Kristina’s head. He tells her that before he does anything he always thinks about how it will affect her—which is absolute BS because Dean, you defs weren’t thinking about her when you were making out with D-Lo—but still, hearing this makes Kristina fall in love with Dean all over again. Ugh, he has her wrapped around his finger.
And like five minutes later he pulls D-Lo aside and starts telling HER how infatuated he is by her and starts making out with HER. We literally cannot watch anymore of this.
Moving on to Amanda and Robby: she *finally* lets him kiss her and we we’re actually really happy for him because Amanda’s constant rejection was starting to get a little sad.
Also, Derek and Taylor made up so yay!
Matt randomly decides to leave so now Jasmine is basically screwed out of a rose.
Christen is probably fine though because she just
stuck her tongue down Jack Stone’s throat shared a magical moment with Jack Stone.
Everyone gathers around for Rose Ceremony but of course good ol’ Chris Harrison has a surprise and out walks Daniel the Canadian. So looks like Lacey’s Paradise dreams just came true.
See you back here tomorrow for (hopefully) a goddamn Rose Ceremony and more Bachelor in Paradise goodness!
Watch Bachelor in Paradise Mondays AND Tuesdays at 8:00 p.m. EST on City. Then, head on over to FLARE.com/themorningafter every Tuesday and Wednesday for recaps from Sharleen Joynt, GIF recaps and more!