We start week two of Paradise off on—can you guess?—a continuation from last week. To recap: Dean is blowing off Kristina (even after spending 10 straight days with her during the shutdown) and the rest of the guys, including Dean, are too busy having a bromance to care about actually talking to any of the girls.
Then the worst human ever Adam walks in (can we get an UGH?) with a date card and for some reason all the girls are super attracted to him. How did this guy go from nonexistent storyline on The Bachelorette to hot commodity on BiP?
Adam has his eye on Kristina and Raven, and we kind of hope he asks Kristina to give Dean a little reality check. But alas, he picks Raven and poor Ben Z. is just left dreaming of home sweet home:
Kristina decides to confront Dean about his shitty behaviour but he once again blows her off because he wants to “shower and get pretty.” Are you for real right now, Dean!?!? We can’t deal with this.
Jack Stone: Dean’s great if you are in middle school. Dean’s not great in you’re an actual adult with a career.
Adam and Raven go on their date but Adam gets rudely interrupted by a rather large moth.
Actual footage of Adam seeing a moth for the first time:
Their date goes pretty well and now Raven has no idea who she’s going to give her rose to tonight. Must be hard being the girl all the guys want to take on dates in Paradise.
Time for the first Cocktail Party, again! Ben Z. and Adam scramble for Raven’s rose and it genuinely seems like she has a better time with Adam. Meanwhile Robby is wearing a bowtie and socks on the beach and we’re more confused than ever.
He and Amanda start talking about Josh Murray, a.k.a. “Anonymous” as they’re calling him now, who apparently is one of Robby’s bros. Robby says Josh missed his chance and even though he’d probs be pretty pissed if Robby went after Amanda, Robby doesn’t really care. Sounds like you’re a great friend, Robby.
Then Robby asks Amanda to kiss him and things get real awkward:
Robby: Will you give me a kiss?
Amanda: *awkwardly fans her face with her hands* I don’t know if I’m ready for a kiss yet, it has to be the right moment.
Robby: Is this it?
Us: OBVIOUSLY NOT IF YOU HAVE TO ASK.
Amanda: I don’t think so, you’re really sweaty. Ask me later.
All the guys are after Lacey because her rose is up for grabs. She sees right through Iggy’s bullshit (thank god), and seems to be digging Diggy—see what we did there?—because he’s like the only non-asshole that’s talked to her.
Alex is also v. thirsty for a rose (which secretly pleases us) after Amanda tells him she’s giving her rose to someone else.
Dean FINALLY grows a pair and talks to Kristina, and tells her that they should slow things down a bit. Ugh, Dean why are you ruining this?
And now it’s *finally* time for the Rose Ceremony and we honestly have zero idea who’s going home. The two obvious roses are handed out right off the bat: Taylor gives her rose to Derek and Jasmine gives hers to Matt.
Raven gives her rose to Adam (OUCH Ben Z.) and Alexis for some weird reason gives hers to Jack Stone. Lacey picks Diggy and Danielle M. decides to save Ben Z. because he’s a “super awesome human.” Then Kristina predictably offers Dean her rose and he accepts with a “heck ya” (ugh) and Amanda gives her rose to Robby; leaving Alex, Vinny, Santa Claus and Iggy going home. Good riddance to them all (minus Vinny!!).
It’s a new day and everyone’s wondering who’s going to show up next. Then in walks Danielle L. or, D. Lo as the kids call her, with a date card and legit every single guy is like:
Come on boys, have some composure.
D. Lo asks Dean on her date—fully aware that he and Kristina spent 10 days together during the filming hiatus—and we, along with Kristina and most of the other girls there, are just like:
Dean says yes to the date and we literally have to refrain from throwing our phones at his stupid (but still beautiful) face on our TV screens. We honestly never knew it was possible to love someone and hate someone so much at the same time.
Alexis: Dean’s a little dick.
Also, D. Lo’s laugh is already annoying and its only been like five mins.
Before Dean goes on his date with Danielle, he has a quick chat with Kristina.
Dean: I know you’re not stoked.
Us: Uhh, ya understatement of the year.
They go ATVing and kiss a little. And D. Lo tells Dean that it’s her half birthday, which doesn’t seem significant right now but plays a maaajor part later on so stay tuned.
When they get back, Diggy and Matt tell Dean how upset Kristina was all day and he’s just like “Think I should go talk to her?” UHHH DUHHHHH.
Dean tells Kristina that he and D. Lo had “a little peck” on their date and then they pinky-promise to always be open and honest with each other. And now they’re just fine? We’re supes confused rn.
Fast-forward a few hours and they’re all hanging out by a fire (which Taylor probs made Derek build for her) and roasting marshmallows (which Taylor was also probs catching on fire). Dean and Kristina are all couple-y and cuddly again for a good 10 minutes until he brings D. Lo a freaking half birthday cake. SRSLY?
Alexis: I literally want to smack that cake into his face and just be like, Get the f-ck out of here, flip flopper.
Kristina is legit bawling her eyes out while Dean’s just partying it up and taking shots with Danielle.
All we have to say right now is: literally, what the hell Dean??
And that’s a wrap (until tonight, of course).
Watch Bachelor in Paradise Mondays AND Tuesdays at 8:00 p.m. EST on City. Then, head on over to FLARE.com/themorningafter every Tuesday and Wednesday for recaps from Sharleen Joynt, GIF recaps and more!