Dear Television Executive Person,
Please explain to me how I’m supposed to follow the never-ending BS plot line of Lodge Industries’ shady dealings when you’ve got either Luke effing Perry, sexy-sleazy Skeet Ulrich or smoke show Mark Consuelos gracing nearly every Riverdale scene whilst casually serving us that boom boom pow?!
You know that song that goes, “Fathers, be good to your daughters. Daddies, please kindly remove your shirts” or something along those lines? It plays in my head whenever one of these pieces enters a scene and I’m here to share something near and dear to my vision board: a spin-off of your fave teen drama, Riverdale. Introducing Riverdaddies, a celebration of the DILFs of Riverdale for those of us who want less millennial moping from Archie and Jughead and waaaaay more of their Gen X daddies.
Because sorry CW/Netflix, but how dare you? How can you dangle these salt and pepper snacks week after week and give us a Sabrina the Teenage Witch spin-off before you address these daddies of our dreams?!
First up we have Fred Andrews, owner of Vegas the dog and proud protector of Archiekins. Fred is played by Luke Perry a.k.a. Dylan Freakin’ McKay of Beverly Hills 90210, i.e. the OG hunk of yesteryear. While time has certainly weathered this daddy, he’s still a hardhat-wearing hard yes. Plus papi Andrews strikes me as the type of DILF who’d take you to a good-ass brunch and mama like.
Up next, FP Jones, a.k.a. Southside daddy a.k.a. papi Jones a.k.a. the love of my life. Low-key, this could have just been a daddy Jones appreciation letter but I’ll try to cool my loins for a hot sec. Danger daddy is bad, loyal and has layers—layers I’d like to remove, much like his pantaloons. Remember that scene in Season 1, episode 12 where Serpent daddy dons a backwards hat in the rain IN SLOW MOTION whilst committing a crime?! Noodles of the spaghetti variety dropped from my mouth as I muttered “DAMNNNNNN” and excused myself from a group hang.
Moving right along, don’t sleep on Sheriff Keller. There’s no denying this silver fox daddy is the one you want on your side when trouble comes a knockin’ and he also happens to currently occupy the “sexual heat” section of my Riverdaddies Venn diagram because I like science as much as I like daddies.
Now I know what you’re thinking, father Cooper is throwing off the curve from the rest of these legit hotties. Ideally a recast and/or a well-timed murder could do the show a solid but until then I’m sure someone, somewhere in the world is down for Hal. (Maybe?)
The party’s not complete without addressing Hiram Lodge, the spiciest of all the Riverdaddies, played by flames emoji come to life Mark Consuelos. Despite his character’s criminal past and subpar parenting skills—you know, casually threatening his daughter and pushing those blackmail pearls on her—JE DIED when witnessing papi Lodge return from a run all sweaty and active. The thirst is on.
Because honestly, I could do without Archie Andrews and his singer/songwriter sad eyes or Kevin Keller, the human equivalent of a nap. And I’m sorry but Cole Sprouse mounting a motorcycle just doesn’t do it for me. Mainly because I don’t trust Juggie will ever be able to successfully lift me with ease and that’s important.
So CW/Netflix: don’t let me down, and as Betty Cooper says in the Season 1 finale, “Release the daddies!” (JK, that was me.)
Future Mami FP Jones