Prediction #1: It will be a fight to the death between Carson Kressley and Boy George on The Celebrity Apprentice.
Casting for the women is pretty weak this season, although perhaps the dead-eyed Snooki will rouse herself to some Shore-level antics to up the entertainment factor. For now, it looks like stern-ass daddy Boy George (surprise) and smooth talker Carson Kressley are the contenders to take the win on this most insane—yet beloved—of reality shows. Either way, this GIF will be hard to beat in terms of amazingness, even with almost 400 days left this year.
— #CelebApprentice (@ApprenticeNBC) January 3, 2017
Prediction #2: Kanye West will start his #2024 presidential campaign for real.
It’s a mere eight years until 2024 and ’Ye is never one to rest on his Yeezys. We predict that he will use a 2017 award show—fingers crossed for the February 12 GRAMMYs, as we’ve been starved for crazy-Kanye news of late—to give a long, rambling monologue on everything wrong with the United States and how only Pablo can fix it (how = unclear).
Prediction #3: Drake and JLo are sitting in a tree but nah, tho.
Drizzy continues to be one of the world’s most obssessed-over bachelors, and the frenzy over who he’s sinking it with reached new heights of late when he and Jennifer Lopez were ‘gramming up a storm. We’re calling it now—bitch is just thirsty for wild Internet theorizing and they’ll be splitsies before long (if they’re even dating at all). Perhaps she’s better off, ’cause what kind of dude dumps Rihanna, anyway? Twice!
Prediction #4: Reboots will probs let us down.
2017 is packed with high-profile reboots and long-anticipated sequels, including xXx: Return of Xander Cage, T2: Trainspotting, Kong: Skull Island, Beauty and the Beast, Ghost in the Shell, Alien: Covenant, Baywatch, Wonder Woman, The Mummy, It, Flatliners, Blade Runner 2049, My Little Pony: The Movie, Murder on the Orient Express, Star Wars: Episode VIII and Jumanji. Which ones will triumph—and which ones will tank? We have a good feeling about the return of the Trainspotting crew, and the teaser for Denis Villeneuve’s Bladerunner take gave us the shivers (plus: RYAN GOSLING). Star Wars will be a predictably pleasant Abramsian romp (and make approximately four trillion dollars), but the rest are iffy. Ridley Scott has pretty much gone off the deep end, making the prospect of Alien: Covenant being dec dismal, sadly. If as many of ’em end up being trash as we suspect, delve into the utterly ridiculous—and totally awesome-looking—Xander Cage sequel. It’s nuts.
Prediction #5: This book is gonna kill it.
This year, the blockbuster debut novel everyone is chattering about comes from a Canadian. Elan Mastai—the screenwriter behind the cute Daniel Radcliffe rom-com The F Word—has penned All Our Wrong Todays, a funny, strange whiz-bang first book about a dude from a utopian future featuring flying cars and uber-happy denizens who time-travels back to 2016 to find the Trumpian cesspit we live in today. Rights were sold in 25 countries and movie rights were snapped up (Mastai is writing the screenplay, obvs). Pre-order a copy of this year’s City on Fire to save yourself the agony of library wait-lists this winter.
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