This week’s ep starts off with Chris dramatically awkwardly walking on a beach while we listen to him talking in his ITM about getting ready for Hometowns. Sorry, Hometowns? Did we miss an episode? There’s still like six girls left.
Side note: I realize six women might not sound like that many but Bachelor Canada only takes THREE contestants to Hometowns, so…
Anyhoo, after the girls have a chat back at the resort about how scary it is that Hometowns are coming up (and after Stacy has a v. composed and v. necessary freakout about not having a 1-on-1 yet) Noah Cappe walks in and FINALLY serves a freaking purpose other than telling Chris and the girls that “this is the final rose tonight.” TBH, Noah Cappe is a dope host and we need more of him *hint hint, Bachelor Canada*
K sorry back to the point. Noah walks in and tells the girls that half of them (!!) will be going home this week. There will be a 1-on-1, a 3-on-1 and a 2-on-1, and no roses will be awarded other than on the 2-on-1. *Cue suspenseful music*
Noah then drops off the first Date Card and it’s a 1-on-1 for Jessie, which Stacy is obviously *not* happy about.
Stacy: I’m the only one who’s not going to get a 1-on-1 on this entire journey.
Every other contestant watching from home who got sent home before getting a 1-on-1 :
Jessie is supes nervous for her date because either Chris opens up to her and makes her feel comfortable about bringing him home to her family OR—the more likely of scenarios—he *doesn’t* open up and she peaces out. So when she shows up to her date—a
relaxing kind of tense catamaran ride—she gets right down to business and starts asking Chris all the hard questions, like immeds. She’s basically just like, DUDE OPEN THE EFF UP TO ME. But worded it way better, obv.
Chris v. sneakily beats around the bush and is like, “I need to stop being closed off and open up” but doesn’t actually open up. We see you, Chris.
Later, more conflict arises when Chris tries to cuddle with Jessie only to learn that she’s a “porcupine” who hates showing affection. This, predictably, poses a problem for the rest of the date because literally every time Chris tries to touch her he gets shut dowwwn. Ouch.
Jessie: My mom calls me a porcupine because I don’t like to show affection.
Meanwhile back at camp, the girls get the next Date Card which is for Mikaela, Lyndsey and Stacey. Meaning Catie and Kait are on the 2-on-1, and—no surprise here—Catie freaks out.
Catie’s literal face when she realized she was on the 2-on-1:
Moving on to the evening portion of Chris and Jessie’s date, Chris confronts Jessie about her hate for snuggles and tries to make her more affectionate. She ends up giving him an intimate hug and then they make out in the ocean at sunset. Progress.
Fast-forward to the group date: Mikaela, Lyndsey and Stacy show up to the beach and, wait a second…is that Noah Cappe we see standing next to Chris!? Whoa, two Noah sightings in like, 30 minutes? Maybe Bachelor Canada finally realized he’s the best part of the show and decided to use him more.
Noah and Chris announce the date challenge: making a sand sculpture of Chris. And of course, the winner gets extra time with Chris. Stacy, you better hope you’re an expert sand sculptor. Like, for real.
Apparently, these girls were deprived of beach days when they were little because their sculptures friggin’ suck.
Chris lies and tells them their sculptures are really well done anyway (mmkay, Chris…) and he ends up awarding the extra time to Stacy because, duh, they SRSLY need it. But luckily for Mikaela and Lyndsey, Noah announces that they’ll still get time with Chris later. Freakout averted. For now.
Back at the resort, Catie and Kait get their 2-on-1 Date Card and Catie starts acting crazy again. She basically tells Kait straight-up that she knows she’ll get the rose and then when Kait tries to explain her connection with Chris, Catie shuts her down and is basically like, “I need to sit by myself and not talk to you.” Serious question: how did Catie go from my Number 1 pick, to “I want her to be sent home immediately” in like two episodes? She’s v. annoying now.
Later, during Chris and Stacey’s alone time (which is like, 10 minutes long) they get to know each other a little better and Chris says he likes the Stacy he’s getting to know. But it’s like, COME ON Chris. Stop stringing the poor girl along and just send her home now, you obviously know you’re not going to pick her. Ugh, men.
Of course, we can’t go more than five minutes without hearing from little ol’ Catie who is STILL freaking out about being on the 2-on-1, so let’s jump back to her for a hot sec. Girl has been nonstop crying for what seems like everrr, she has mascara all over her face and is basically on the verge of hyperventilating. Meanwhile, a v. chill Kait is just like:
Moving on to the evening portion of the Group Date…honestly nothing remotely significant or interesting happens so let’s just skip to the 2-on-1, shall we? K cool. Chris, Catie and Kait (say that three times fast) take a gondola to the top of a mountain; where it’s raining and gloomy, and the entire setting is v. suitable for Catie’s downer mood. Chris asks Kait to chat first, leaving Catie to continue spiralling by herself, and Kait tells Chris that she’s falling in love with him. GIVE HER THE DAMN ROSE ALREADY.
Later, Chris steals Catie away to chat and as usual, she’s the MOST intense, but he gives the rose to her anyway. Aw, bye Kait.
Cocktail Party time! JK, Chris decides to cancel it and just go straight into Rose Ceremony, where he (obviously) sends Stacy and Jessie home. Seeing Jessie leave was sad, but she took it like a freaking champ and we know she’ll be OK.
And then there were three. Cheers to almost Hometowns—see you then!
Watch The Bachelor Canada Wednesdays at 9:00 p.m. EST on W Network. Then, head on over to FLARE.com/themorningafter for Sharleen Joynt’s always on-point recaps and more!